|
Time Traveling Today: Chad Ochocinco
You'll remember last week I was kind enough to take Brett Favre for a ride in my time machine back to the civil war (http://realfantasy.sportspagenetwork.com/2009/09/Time-Traveling-Today-Brett-Favre.aspx). So this week, I have decided to do the NFL more good by teaching it's latest delinquent a lesson. After Chad Ochocinco slapped the Pack in the face with his "Lambeau Leap", I started to feel bad for the guy. I mean, here is a professional who is trying to have a good time, just in all the wrong ways. Plus, he still thinks the name on the back of his jersey means "85". The guys on the team just don't have the heart to break it to him, especially after Chad's latest idea; "Hey, we should change all of our last names to our Spanish numbers! Cedric, your number is 32 so we could call you 'TresDos', And Rey, your number is 58 so you could be 'CINCOOCHO'! How cool would that be?!?!". Meanwhile the guys on the team just keep telling him that they will all change their names when they win the Super Bowl, as a sign of brotherhood. That should keep their last names safe and sound.
So in order to cure Chad of his incessant need for attention through celebration, I decided to take him back to a time where there was nothing to celebrate about; The Dark Ages. So I went over to Chad's place, broke up his game of DDR, and began our journey back to the times of plagues, castles, and the crusades.
I dropped Chad off with a group of peasants and serfs and quickly got out of the way to allow the cure of celebration to begin. As Chad wandered through the village, guess who he bumped into first? Roger Goodell! Who knows how he got here, but he really can't let Chad out of his sight for one second. Chad immediately got to doing something productive; building himself a hut. It appears like the time travel is already doing some good! Chad's competitive nature got the best of him though, and he built the biggest hut in the whole village. No one really seemed to care or notice, so Chad decided to make them notice...by celebrating. How does one celebrate a hut-building though? By throwing a hut-warming party. Not a bad idea, except Chad forgot what happens when you group a bunch of peasants into a small contained area. Instead of receiving applause, Chad caused a plague. Looks like Ochocinco isn't just a locker room disease. Before things got worse, I decided to pick Chad up and take him East to our next stop, the Crusades.
I dropped Chad off in Jerusalem which was currently occupied by the Muslims, who were just about to engage in battle. Ochocinco bought into everything completely. He joined up arms with the Muslims and defended Jerusalem from the invading Christians. That night, the Muslims won the battle and the Christians were defeated and pushed back. Chad was pumped. He told his Muslim comrades that in the morning he would have a surprise victory celebration for all of them. The next day, the Muslim army woke up to posters made by Chad hung up all over the camp....posters of the prophet Mohammad. As you can imagine, this did not go over well with the Muslims, they booted him from the camp and sent him over to fight with the Christian army. As Chad left the camp, he muttered under his breath "Mohammad, who on earth would even want that name".
All though the Christian army wasn't typically known for accepting people different from them, they needed all the help they could get. So they accepted the ex-Muslim solider, Ochocinco. Which may have been a bit of a God-send, because the Christians pulled off a miracle victory the next day in battle. As the Christians marched through the now conquered city of Jerusalem, the defeated Muslim army gathered outside the city walls. "Watch this" Chad smiled "This is going to be hilarious!". I gasped as I saw Chad run to the top of the city walls and "leap" off into the crowd of Muslims. I was shocked! Roger Goodell was relieved (Seriously, how is he doing this? Where is he coming from?), And the Christian army was all together disturbed by what they had just seen. A comrade, jumping into enemy territory, as a sign of...yes, celebration. Then we heard something we never would have expected, "HOW YOU GONNA STOP 85!". I looked over the edge in awe, Chad had jumped into the Muslim army, and conveniently landed in the arms of three Christians. "Seriuosly" Roger Goodell sighed "How are we going to stop eighty-fiv, I mean, Ochcocin-,er...Chad".
|
|
|