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Time Traveling Today: Brett Favre
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE MOST AMAZING, PHYSICS DEFYING INVENTION YOU HAVE EVER HEARD OF! My time machine. Yes, it is true, I have finally invented time travel. Not the wimpy kind that you see in some movie that can only take you to one specific time and place (Time Line), or that you can't control (Time Travelers Wife, not that I've seen it...). This time machine can go wherever I want, and I can take whom ever I want. Now I would explain to you how I invented it and everything, but that all concerns much scientific jargon that neither you, nor I want to have to go through. So let's just get to the best part; my first trip.
Now it is no secret that Brett Favre annoys me. I can not think of one thing about him that I even like a little. It is also no secret what a fan of war history I am, specifically the civil war. So I thought, what better way to spend my first trip, then to take Brett Favre back to 1861 and drop him off at the beginning of the Civil War and see what kind of insight I can gain into history, as well as future fantasy happenings. So come along as I take number 4 away from throwing franchises into crisis, and back to a nation in crisis.
After I snatched up Brett from ironing his Wranglers after practice, we quickly booked back to Virgina in 1861. Brett was relatively quick to join up with the Confederate Army. He mentioned something about being loyal to the south. Seriously, nothing phases this guy. Not 150 years of time travel, or 150 days of retirement. Luckily my time machine comes with a fast forward button so I was able to watch the next 4 years of the war with #4 play out relatively quickly.
First, the Confederate Army was excited to have such a gunslinger join their troops. Brett was quickly an impact solider. Winning many battles unconventionally. Although many of his bullets were off target, often times hurting his team, er, army more than helping it. He still managed to find a way to win battles. Helping with the huge victory of Super Bowl XXXI in Chancellorsville. Everyone in the South loved Brett. While the North hated him. It only deepened the rivalry between the Confederacy and the Union! The Rebels and the Yankees! The Gray and the Blue! The Green and the Purple! Wait...hold up, I'm getting ahead of myself. Things started to go down hill for Brett though. Gettysburg came, and soon he had lost Super Bowl XXXII. The South was starting to see that maybe Brett's time with them was over, it was time to move on to younger soldiers to try to salvage this franchise, I mean, army. So Brett and the Confederates parted ways, and everyone involved in the NFL, or, the Civil War, thought they had seen the last of Brett.
April 9, 1865: I haven't seen much of Brett lately. He has popped up in some skirmishes, but no one can ever tell who's side he is on, or if is even fighting, or how long he actually wants to fight for. Quite frankly, the South just wishes he would put his gun away and relax for a little bit. Good news though; today is the day where Lee surrenders to Grant at Appomattox Courthouse. Thus sealing the North's victory and superiority over the South. The Union sure is impressed with Grant, he has turned into their workhorse. Winning battle after battle, and rewriting the rushing records of the NFL. Adrian, I mean, Grant is the best thing that has happened to the North so far. Wait, what's this? It appears that Brett has signed on to fight with the North on the last day of the War! He is literally riding Grant's coattail to the surrender just to gloat over his fallen Southern comrades. However, the North seems un-phased by this blatant act of betrayal and are welcoming Brett with open arms. It is as if they can't remember all the pain he caused them in battle, and all the games he won with his right arm alone. Now he is just using AP, or rather, General Grant to ensure that he gets one last victory on his way out. Surely the North won't stand for this!
Sadly, the North stood for it. As I rode my time machine back to present day and checked the box score of the Vikings victory over the Browns, it all hit my like a volley of bullets. AP rushed for 180 yards and won the game, Favre threw for 110 yards and got to walk out with the winning team, meanwhile his old family in green struggled to beat a mediocre Chicago team. This act of betrayal will go unpunished. And Favre will get the last laugh. However; he will not do so in style. As proven Sunday, this old soldier is long past the days of outrageous stats. So let him ride General Peterson all the way to the Super Bowl, as long as he never gets off of your fantasy bench.
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